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| i'm so sick of my life.
my sister hates the family. she chooses terrible people to hang out with, she's "in love" with a fucking faggot ass piece of shit. she steals my fucking friends to the point that my friend won't even come upstairs with me.
speaking of friend, she fucking drives me nuts sometimes too. first, me and a boy hung out twice, and she started freaking out saying that i was leaving her. alright, i spend literally every day with her until those two days. she shits on my friends all the time and won't even try to get along with them. the point, i can't believe she freaked out on me saying i was leaving her when she won't even come upstairs with me again! seriously, fuck off. i don't need shit like this. i will not be controlled. i will hang out with whom i want, when i want too.
boys, don't even get me started on them. i'm being toyed with so many right now. and hurt by so many more. kyle is my ex boyfriend. we dated for about a year. he always told me how much he cared about me, but since he's started hanging out with different people, he's been treating me like absolute shit. when we were dating, we had an accident, and it ended with an abortion. his ultimatum was to abort it or he would never speak to me again. now, he's leaving baby strollers on my front porch. he calls me the biggest bitch/piece of shit/asshole/cunt he's ever met. he calls me a whore and a slut. i gave that fucker my (willful) virginity. his friends who still go to school with me see me in the hallway and call me a slut. i'm so fucking sick of everything. i've liked this other boy for like, 2 years. seriously, everything about him i adore and whenever i see him, my heart melts. and he's the one i hung out with twice recently. we talked, about everything in that span of time that we hung out. he told me he liked me, and i almost died. then the next day, after we had fooled around (NO SEX, fucking faggots. i have morals despite the rumors) he told me that he didn't think anything would come from it, essentially tearing my heart out and stomping on it. then this other boy has been telling me he likes me, but he's been fucking around with another girl, who happens to be my friend. my friend likes him a lot, and i told him nothing would result between me and him because i couldn't do that to my friend. then there are other misc. boys scattered around the school that every time they see me, they say something stupid and unnecessary. girls too. yeah i fucking know i dye my hair too much, i'm the one who dyes it. seriously, i bet my hair is softer than half of yours, you stupid fucks. i color it, but i take care of it. it's not dead, so shut the fuck up. you wear your hair the same style every fucking day, so don't get on my case about hair.
jesus, i'm arguing with a computer about hair.
there's this other girl at my school who thinks i stole money from her. i didn't, but she doesn't believe me. and i've talked to her about it.
drama..
drama..
drama..
fucking save it.
i'm debating on jumping out a fucking window.
seriously, people need to grow up.
edit: btw, i want pot really bad.
but 6 months of probation sucks terribly.
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| so i'm pretty upset actually.
my best friend had the nerve to tell me that i don't love her like i used to, when in fact, SHE'S the one who got up and ran off to live a wonderful life and let me to rot in this shit hole town i live in.
excuse the holy shit out of me?
i didn't lose love for you. you gave the love you had for me to some imaginary being in the sky.
so stfu.
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| so basically, my life sucks.
let me elaborate for you:
so for the past two years, these two girls have been harassing me at school. i have reported them to the principal, to the school cop, to my therapist, to the school counselors, and to my parents. nobody did anything. i fought one of them last year during school and was suspended for 3 days under self defense. the second one i hit in the face with a book last week. i got arrested for "assault and battery with a deadly weapon", but the charges were dropped and instead of a felony, it was labeled as a misdemeanor. today, i went back to school because my 5 day suspension for hitting her was over. they pulled me away at the very beginning of the day, and told me i couldn't go back to school until this whole deal was over. this whole deal meaning the court system. i have a PRE-trial hearing December 4th. that means I may not be able to go back to school until then, possibly later. which means i will have to be a sophomore again next year. on top of that, my mom's MS is getting much worse and she will require more sleep than she's been getting or else they'll put her on a medication that could potentially make things worse. she's been having seizures at work, and she's been very forgetful. stress also isn't good when you have MS. my family fights constantly - big fights too. not just yelling but we fucking swing fists. veronica is being an unruly child lately, and katie just farts around the house and does nothing in return for us letting her live with us again. i'm the only one who tries to make peace. i'm the only one who tries to get my mom to sleep more. frankly, i'm the only one who seems to care about anything. on top of that, i'm still coping with my parent's divorce as best as i can. they play tug of war with me. my mom didn't want me to tell my dad that i got arrested, but i don't want to keep my dad out of the loop because he's my father. so i told him, he came to court with us. my mom will get mad if i go somewhere with my dad. my dad shows his sadness when i tell him i don't want to spend the weekend with him. i try to keep both of them just as informed as the other one when it comes to my life. but if i call my dad, my mom suddenly wants to talk to him and they start fighting. on top of that, i have two good friends that I can trust with everything; amanda and kaitlyn. Kaitlyn lives all the way in Florida so it's very hard to keep her informed on what's going on when i'm either going to court, or to couseling, or doing chores for my mom, or getting my community service hours done. and whenever amanda comes over, i have to fight for her attention. veronica will have something to say to her, or my mom, or my brother wants to show him something. at this very moment, amanda is downstairs with my family while i'm up here. i was in the middle of talking to her, and she just went downstairs. veronica has her friend over, and her friend just comes into my room like it's her own, sits down and starts talking to amanda. veronica's friend is shortly followed by veronica. and suddenly i have 4 people in my room when i only want to talk to one. then if something better than sitting here and talking to me comes up, amanda and the rest of them will get up and leave.
i have never wanted to scream more in my life.
scream out of anger
frustration
sadness.
and everyone thinks i'm 'MAKING' myself the victim. uh, wrong. i AM the fucking victim.
i'm 16 years old and that's the stress of the past month.
i want to jump in front of a train.
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| i'm so sad.
and numb.
dead.
dead.
dead.
dead.
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| very scared.
actually, i've never been so afraid before in my entire life. however what i'm afraid of cannot be fought off by mommy or daddy.
my life is spiraling out of control. i no longer have any say when it comes to me. i have two different therapists. one i see with my mom and sisters. our brother will be joining us soon. then i have one that i go see, either by myself or with my father. yesterday i went to the one with my family. today i went to the one with my father.
i'm a child on the verge of adulthood, stumbling and tripping over my own two feet to get there. i feel like all i want to do is grow up, and have full control of my life, yet i find myself putting one foot in front of the other forcing myself to trip and fall to the ground again.
i read a blog, one of my friend's, who explained it perfectly: (paraphrased, not quoted)
i'm stuck. or rather, i feel stuck. and i remember the hands reaching for me, trying to help me become un-stuck. but i pushed them away. now, i'm still stuck. but more stuck then i was before because now, there are no hands because i've pushed them all away. i've isolated myself. now here i am, spilling my guts to a computer who can give me no answers nor advice. so in a way, i've put myself in a worse situation then i was in in the first place. and now, i'm scared and lost, and well, stuck. i have no idea what to do. and i've never wanted to just give up more in my life. i feel like i've reached rock bottom, and rock bottom is a very lonely place to be. i have so many support systems: therapists, friends, family. yet for some reason i still feel alone. its hard for me to go to any one of those support systems and ask for help. needing help is weakness. and if i admit to being weak, then why not just give up? being strong is what gets you through the world, and if i can't do it then what am i going to do?
rhetorical question - don't answer it.
i'm just digging myself a hole. i know i need help, but refuse to ask for it. i want people to help me because they noticed i needed it, not because i had to ask. i need to know that someone is paying attention to me, that someone will go out of their way to show they care.
like, a month ago, an old friend called me up very surprisingly. she reads my posts here every so often, and i know she would be willing to help, and she's offered it. but like everyone before her, i said no. i turned down her offer to hang out. my life is pretty fucked up, why would i want to bring my chaos into her life?
now i'm making up excuses on why i said no. i said no to hanging out with her that day, then told her we would make plans, but never called her back. my best friend calls me every day and i never call her back.
slowly, yet surely, i'm pushing everyone away from me. and it makes me very afraid to realize that now, after i've already pushed. i'm scared that hanging out with new people will open them up to who i really am. they will see how i'm not very fun when i'm not under the influence. how sad i get when i'm sober. how pathetic i really am without the drugs.
and that is a really scary thing to realize at 16 years old.
i'm terrified of what i'm going to become in life. i used to know exactly what i wanted to do with my life: graduate, air force, college, steady job in graphic design. now, i just want to stay home and get baked everyday. or drink myself silly until i'm sent to the hospital - again.
i'm drowning.
don't try and save me though, i'll probably tell you that i'm fine and that i don't need your help. i'll probably push you away. to put it very plainly, i'm not worth your time, energy, or attention.
the only thing left to do now is rot.
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