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| i'm so sad.
and numb.
dead.
dead.
dead.
dead.
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| very scared.
actually, i've never been so afraid before in my entire life. however what i'm afraid of cannot be fought off by mommy or daddy.
my life is spiraling out of control. i no longer have any say when it comes to me. i have two different therapists. one i see with my mom and sisters. our brother will be joining us soon. then i have one that i go see, either by myself or with my father. yesterday i went to the one with my family. today i went to the one with my father.
i'm a child on the verge of adulthood, stumbling and tripping over my own two feet to get there. i feel like all i want to do is grow up, and have full control of my life, yet i find myself putting one foot in front of the other forcing myself to trip and fall to the ground again.
i read a blog, one of my friend's, who explained it perfectly: (paraphrased, not quoted)
i'm stuck. or rather, i feel stuck. and i remember the hands reaching for me, trying to help me become un-stuck. but i pushed them away. now, i'm still stuck. but more stuck then i was before because now, there are no hands because i've pushed them all away. i've isolated myself. now here i am, spilling my guts to a computer who can give me no answers nor advice. so in a way, i've put myself in a worse situation then i was in in the first place. and now, i'm scared and lost, and well, stuck. i have no idea what to do. and i've never wanted to just give up more in my life. i feel like i've reached rock bottom, and rock bottom is a very lonely place to be. i have so many support systems: therapists, friends, family. yet for some reason i still feel alone. its hard for me to go to any one of those support systems and ask for help. needing help is weakness. and if i admit to being weak, then why not just give up? being strong is what gets you through the world, and if i can't do it then what am i going to do?
rhetorical question - don't answer it.
i'm just digging myself a hole. i know i need help, but refuse to ask for it. i want people to help me because they noticed i needed it, not because i had to ask. i need to know that someone is paying attention to me, that someone will go out of their way to show they care.
like, a month ago, an old friend called me up very surprisingly. she reads my posts here every so often, and i know she would be willing to help, and she's offered it. but like everyone before her, i said no. i turned down her offer to hang out. my life is pretty fucked up, why would i want to bring my chaos into her life?
now i'm making up excuses on why i said no. i said no to hanging out with her that day, then told her we would make plans, but never called her back. my best friend calls me every day and i never call her back.
slowly, yet surely, i'm pushing everyone away from me. and it makes me very afraid to realize that now, after i've already pushed. i'm scared that hanging out with new people will open them up to who i really am. they will see how i'm not very fun when i'm not under the influence. how sad i get when i'm sober. how pathetic i really am without the drugs.
and that is a really scary thing to realize at 16 years old.
i'm terrified of what i'm going to become in life. i used to know exactly what i wanted to do with my life: graduate, air force, college, steady job in graphic design. now, i just want to stay home and get baked everyday. or drink myself silly until i'm sent to the hospital - again.
i'm drowning.
don't try and save me though, i'll probably tell you that i'm fine and that i don't need your help. i'll probably push you away. to put it very plainly, i'm not worth your time, energy, or attention.
the only thing left to do now is rot.
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| People come to me all the time for advice in their relationships. When couples fight, I can help them sort it out usually. When people need help getting a boy/girl, I can usually give fairly good advice on how to play their relationship out like a movie - how to make it absolutely perfect - and how to make it last. So, as you can see, I have a pretty good grasp on how to work a relationship, how to work in a relationship, and what doesn't work in a relationship. Overall, I'm good with relationships.
Okay, so why am I still single?
Everyday I see so many couples holding hands, kissing, hugging, giggling, and just being overall happy with their significant other. I see people who are just so accepted by their 'other', who are happy just being in the presence of their 'other'.
Why can't I have that?
Lately, I've felt so lonely. I'm used to having a significant other: someone to love me, and tell me that. someone to want me, and show me that. someone to care for me, and prove it. This whole single life has taken quite the toll on my self-confidence. I feel so unwanted, ugly, stupid, everything that usually ushers people away. Why do I need a person to feel worthy? Answer: I don't need one. It would just be nice.
I'm afraid that I've become dependent on people.
I'm afraid I'll be alone my entire life, and die in my own arms.
Or be a scary cat lady, lol.
I would love to be in a relationship right now. A good one that lasts a while.
I would loveee to find someone who I really connect with.
Someone who doesn't care if my hair is long and flowing, or put up in a mohawk.
Someone who doesn't care that I have tattoos and piercings.
Someone who doesn't care that I smoke and drink.
Someone who just wants to be near me or with me, just to be there.
Someone who's okay with just sitting with me watching a movie, no matter how many times they've seen it, or how much they'd rather be doing something else.
Maybe my standards are too high.
Or maybe other people's are, and they won't let me prove that I can meet them.
Murdock has some strange idea of me, half of the things they come up with I have no idea where they come from.
I've improved myself, I promise. I'm not what the rumors say.
I have lied. I have cheated. I have broken promises. I have done all the things that people would use to classify another as a bad person. But what separates me from a bad person is that I've learned from my mistakes, and I'll admit they were mistakes.
People can change - and I have. But no one will give me the chance to prove it. I want a chance. I can promise you that you won't be disappointed with me.
I want a cute boy/girl.
I want a funny boy/girl.
I want a caring boy/girl.
I think those are reasonable standards to meet. | | |
| i'm sick of school already.
and i'm sick of people worrying about me, or lecturing me.
stop talking to me, okay? i know that i don't have a clue
what i'm doing, but i'm going to do it anyway, okay?
i'll make it out okay. i promise.
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| my sadness is going away a little.
it's easier to get out of bed, to get
myself dressed and ready for school.
it's going away, but it's still there.
making everything a little bit more
difficult.
i guess i'm going to school now. yearbook meeting afterwards.
then back here i guess. i need to get a time-consuming hobby.
and another pack of cigarettes.
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